How to Write a Microsoft Press Release

If you read the SimpleTalk blog (aka RedGate Software), you’ll probably have read Phil Factor’s latest entry ‘Microsoft Boy announces his School Homework‘ which is a piss-take on the standard Microsoft marketing blurb, attempting to imagine how Microsoft Marketing people relate to their fellow men outside work, by giving a glimpse of ‘Microsoft Boy’ during a History Lesson at school:

“The past week has been an amazing time for the me as I geared up to announce the delivery of my essay.. The response to my announcement from friends and parents has been overwhelmingly positive – in fact, even my aunt Edith wants to read it. What is catching users’ eyes? Legibility, correctness, conciseness….the list goes on and on. Simply put, this history essay is a significant release for me – one that builds on all of the great things that I was able to deliver last year in the Lower fifth. I see it as a critical step forward for my academic life here, and the foundation of the broader vision for my school career. Based on what we are hearing from people who have seen the current version of my essay, it seems that everyone agrees.”

How amusing to then read this blog post from the Data Platform Insider, talking about the Microsoft SQL Server 2008 Roadmap Clarification – here are the first two paragraphs:

The past few months have been an amazing time for the SQL Server team as we gear up for the start of the global launch wave on February 27. The response to SQL Server 2008 has been overwhelmingly positive – in fact, we now have more 100,000 downloads of our CTPs. What is catching users’ eyes? Scalability improvements, Resource Governor, Filestream, spatial data support, data compression, policy-based management…the list goes on and on.

Simply put, SQL Server 2008 is a significant release for us – one that builds on all of the great things that we were able to deliver in SQL Server 2005. We see it as a critical step forward for our data platform and the foundation of our broader vision for business intelligence. Based on what we are hearing from customers, as well as the results of the latest benchmarks, it seems the industry agrees.

Notice any similarities? Oh how I laughed.

ps. I passed my PADI Advanced Open Water and Dry Suit qualifications at the weekend in an old disused quarry near Leicester – sorry, the British National Diving Centre – the water was a barmy 4 degrees Celsius! Photos of me in a gimp suit to follow shortly ;-)

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